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To all those who don’t think the rape joke was a problem, or rape jokes are a problem.

I get it, you’re a decent guy. I can even believe it. You’ve never raped anybody. You would NEVER rape anybody. You’re upset that all these feminists are trying to accuse you of doing something or connect you to doing something that, as far as you’re concerned, you’ve never done and would never condone.

And they’ve told you about triggers, and PTSD, and how one in six women is a survivor, and you get it. You do. But you can’t let every time someone gets all upset get in the way of you having a good time, right?

So fine. If all those arguments aren’t going anything for you, let me tell you this. And I tell you this because I genuinely believe you mean it when you say you don’t want to hurt anybody, and you don’t see the harm, and that it’s important to you to do your best to be a decent and good person. And I genuinely believe you when you say you would never associate with a rapist and you think rape really is a very bad thing.

Because this is why I refuse to take rape jokes sitting down-

6% of college age men, slightly over 1 in 20, will admit to raping someone in anonymous surveys, as long as the word “rape” isn’t used in the description of the act.

6% of Penny Arcade’s target demographic will admit to actually being rapists when asked.

A lot of people accuse feminists of thinking that all men are rapists. That’s not true. But do you know who think all men are rapists?

Rapists do.

They really do. In psychological study, the profiling, the studies, it comes out again and again.

Virtually all rapists genuinely believe that all men rape, and other men just keep it hushed up better. And more, these people who really are rapists are constantly reaffirmed in their belief about the rest of mankind being rapists like them by things like rape jokes, that dismiss and normalize the idea of rape.

If one in twenty guys is a real and true rapist, and you have any amount of social activity with other guys like yourself, really cool guy, then it is almost a statistical certainty that one time hanging out with friends and their friends, playing Halo with a bunch of guys online, in a WoW guild, or elsewhere, you were talking to a rapist. Not your fault. You can’t tell a rapist apart any better than anyone else can. It’s not like they announce themselves.

But, here’s the thing. It’s very likely that in some of these interactions with these guys, at some point or another someone told a rape joke. You, decent guy that you are, understood that they didn’t mean it, and it was just a joke. And so you laughed.

And, decent guy who would never condone rape, who would step in and stop rape if he saw it, who understands that rape is awful and wrong and bad, when you laughed?

That rapist who was in the group with you, that rapist thought that you were on his side. That rapist knew that you were a rapist like him. And he felt validated, and he felt he was among his comrades.

You. The rapist’s comrade.

And if that doesn’t make you feel sick to your stomach, if that doesn’t make you want to throw up, if that doesn’t disturb you or bother you or make you feel like maybe you should at least consider not participating in that kind of humor anymore…

Well, maybe you aren’t as opposed to rapists as you claim.

Time-Machine (via a comment at shakesville.com)

Single greatest argument about this I have ever heard. 

(via justintheallan)

RELEVANT TO MARTIN FREEMAN

(via linnealurks)

Why is it that, unfortunately, sexual abuse happens everyday and is perpetrated by so, so many, that the news media freaking highlights two abusers because they are gay?  This is why asshole bigots believe that pedophilia is perpetrated by people who are gay.  Or that if a man abuses a boy or a women abuses a girl, it’s a gay issue.  It’s NOT a gay issue.  And it pisses me the hell off that the media will give a helping hand to this assumption by highlighting something that is not linked with why abuse takes place.  It just so happens these men perhaps are.  You don’t see ‘straight man abuses…’ do you, so why ‘gay men abuses…’.  UGH.  

Also been counselling survivors for a year now, and actually I’ve yet to run into a ‘gay issue’.

So.  Mad.

Professional mini rant

It troubles me that fellow counsellors out there are implanting suggestions about abuse.  Tip: if your client cannot put a face to their abuser, it is not an invitation to do it for them.  It is not our job to point fingers, it is our job to help the survivor get to a safe place to remember, process it so they can integrate it rather than relive it, and move forwards.

It is not our job to assume.  It is our job to be there. 

If you don’t feel comfortable being in that space, if you don’t feel comfortable with working through the uncertainty - don’t be a sexual violence counsellor. 

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